Who Am I In Christ?

At a young age, my worth was always dependent on conditional circumstances. I was taught that my worth depended on what I could do for my mother and how compliant I was. I was chained to the notion to keep her happy from the fear that if I didn’t cater to those desires, my worth was nothing at all. With an emphasis of reputation and perfection in our home, it placed heaviness and unrealistic expectations upon me. There I stood walking around aimlessly, spiritually poor, and in need of so much. God had given me a bank account that was overflowing but it was left untouched. I believed the lies spoken over me that I was defective and unlovable, so I kept acting like my experience had been.

As a young adult, I continued to measure my life by my, or my parents, life experiences. I evaluated my identity through what was familiar. A wise friend had told me something that started to change my perspective. She said, “When you genuinely seek the Lord, you show Him how grateful you are for what He is doing in your life.” I began to love Who He was to me and what He was doing through these tests He allowed before me. Over time, I realized I didn’t have anything to prove to God for him to love me. I didn’t have to keep rules to win his love. His approval of me wasn’t conditional. I had never experienced that kind of love from anyone. All I had ever encountered was the very opposite.

Practicing that position was something of a struggle for me though. I vacillated back and forth with my worth in Jesus, what my purpose in all of the brokenness and hurt I experienced was, and wrestled with fears of the future. I started to see glimpses that He was making my crooked path a little straighter, seeing Him work in me and through me, and experiencing a life that I could live out for His glory. I started to see spiritual blessings happen, but I struggled accepting them because I did not feel worthy of His relationship with me. I thought I disappointed Him too greatly and I was not worthy of what He was offering. I struggled getting my head and my heart on the same page with the position Christ had established for me.

The bible states that once you are a believer you are a saint. I could barely swallow that word. My worth did not feel saint-like. I had done nothing to deserve that title. I really didn’t know how to come to terms with the fact that I was a saint. How could I possibly be a saint with all the giants in my life I had to battle every day? Aren’t saints people who have very little problems and are nearly perfect? I grew up understanding that saints were a special group of Christians that were recognized for their good works. As I read and reread the New Testament, I began to see this was a false belief and I needed to start believing what God says about me if I were to fight from a position of victory!

My lack of faith was inhibiting me to move forward. The torment I experienced was an ever-present battle for my mind. I couldn’t visualize what God intended to do in my given circumstances. I wasn’t acting in harmony with what He wanted to do in my life because trust and surrendering were so foreign to me. I did not feel free or victorious because I would often hear my mother’s words reminding me of how little I mattered. I had no one to point out that the enemy had been using her words to plant lies and seeds of doubts to cause fear in every decision I made. I had trouble sleeping and I experienced a great deal of anxiety as a result. I was constantly being devalued. How was I supposed to heal? I wanted to be who God was telling me that I was and to have the faith that He would see me through the land of the giants. How do you stand on a Truth that you don’t understand? Her words were not only a repetitive torment, but I was continuously being handcuffed to the lies spoken over me.

I started to take comfort in understanding that Christ gave of himself freely and that He is offered to us without conditions attached. I slowly started taking up my identity in Christ through reading of scripture. I was trying to live out Romans 10:17 by hearing and memorizing. The Holy Spirit was enabling me to understand wrong actions and wrong attitudes always come from wrong thinking (believing a lie.) I recognized that I was having more clarity and having more sound responses to any falsehoods being presented. There were moments where I still felt defeated when the scriptures clearly stated Christ had gone before me to fight those battles and won. Realizing my thoughts were one of my greatest battles, I was in an all out war with the enemy. I had such strong roots of critical spirits in my childhood; I questioned how was I to ever get rid of the repetitive lies that loomed over me. The enemy was constantly putting wrong thoughts in my mind in assumption that I would respond poorly, so I would ultimately destroy my life. I tried to change my responses without changing my beliefs on the matter. I asked God to reveal to me any untruths that I allowed to be present in my mind, so that I could refute them quickly and replace the lies with Truth. On so many occasions, I believed that I had been overcome and that Satan had been successful in his agenda. I watched my mother viciously come against me. Satan used her weaknesses to bring about dissension. He used my mother’s ability to lie and create narratives about scenarios that never happened. One-sided slanderous words were spread with the intention to ruin relationships within family. She used her tongue wickedly and she was the tool to accomplish his goal. As I grew stronger in my faith with Christ, I witnessed a complete assassination of my character. She had completely devoured my relationships I had with people I cared deeply for.

As I sat in silence, growing, learning, healing, I noticed that those hurts were growing my faith and moving me towards a deeper relationship with my Healer. Deep wounds can cause an enormous amount of pain in one’s heart, but in all the lies, accusations, gossip, and slander, I saw Satan for the enemy that he was to me. The pain associated with the mess he can try making of your life is nothing compared to what he will experience in the lake of fire. I saw that being persecuted was part of the Christian walk and God was allowing these things so that I may be set apart for His greater purpose. It is guaranteed that I will be persecuted by liars and unbelievers because of my stance for Christ. Satan delights in hindering our ability to grow in Christ and he will use anyone or anything to distract us from that purpose, even family secrets. He would love nothing more than to see God’s people chained to the old person that we once were and I was not going to allow Satan to use my mother’s destructive tongue to cripple me any longer. I wanted to be a witness for Christ and I knew the only way I could do that was to live in Truth to have freedom. Was I going to believe that my experiences defined who I am, believe that the slander and abuse would remain an opened wound, or was I going to believe God’s Word was the final Authority on every matter? 

Some have asked me if I had to do it over, would I defend myself against the accusations thrown my way. My answer will always be “My God Is My Redeemer”, so in a heartbeat, without a doubt I would again allow Him to fight my battles. I may not have felt that in the midst of the storm, but looking back, moving forward in my role as a wife and mother to our children has been the best decision for our family. God calls us to be separate from sin, and this includes liars and dissension makers. The Christian walk is never promised easy. In fact, Jesus says the very opposite. I tell my children often that anything that is worth it will always be hard work. It is very difficult to take your hurts and painful experiences to Christ’s feet, but there has been a great freedom in surrendering it. I now can recognize deceit approaching my doorstep and separating the Truth from a lie. This has given me a lot of peace in my daily walk, which makes it worth the hard work put forth. Sure, storms come and go; tests and trials will always be there. But resting in scripture gives me a lot of hope for what is to come. 

“And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ’s sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.” 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

 
And that overflowing spiritual bank account I spoke of… well, let’s just say I don’t walk around spiritually poor anymore. Finding my worth in who He says I am was found waiting for me.