Most often, the best parts of my life are not shared on social media. They are kept in the deep places of my heart and in my memory bank. It is safe there.
But today was an exception.
This is for the mother that feels the daily grind, knows her family is her calling, but can use a little encouragement anyway. This is also for the mother who feels overwhelmed, lonely, and in the trenches of diaper duty and dishes.
I’ve been there. I’m still there. So, hang in there.
Yesterday was my birthday. Jason threw a small surprise party and I received some gifts that melted my heart into a puddle of quiet emotions. All of the handwritten notes from our kids were so precious, and it will be something I’ll keep tucked away so I can read them over and over again in my old age.
Of all the things that happened during the party, I wanted to make mention of one gift in particular from one of our daughters.
As I woke to rub the sleep from my eyes yesterday morning, I looked over at my clock to see a little handwritten note on my nightstand. I could tell immediately by the handwriting who left it for me. My heart dropped when I saw the gift card attached.
She had spent some of the money she had earned this summer for my birthday.
She knows that I love coffee dates with her daddy, so she gave. She was not only thinking beyond herself and beyond just me; she was thinking about connecting Jason and I together. It made me teary eyed because she is that thoughtful.
She is a gentle spirit that continues to put others before herself. She is the person I want to be like.
From a young age, I have always loved the sentimental, living life with meaning attached, being pushed and challenged, having deep, meaningful conversations with people I care about, and something that has a true relationship behind what we experience together.
But you see, what you (and she) didn’t know was just the day before, I became aware of something that has been a continued source of frustration for me. In that moment, I said some things to Jason that I shouldn’t have, not to mention it was really bad timing, which always makes a situation worse.
I haven’t always been good at apologizing quickly, and most who know us well would say I am the spunky one in the relationship- maybe even stand my ground a bit more firmly on issues of Truth and justice. (I actually asked Jason when I was writing this to give me the one word he would use in describing me and he said, “That’s easy, two words- intentional and resilient.”)
Regardless, the carnal things I know about myself, admittedly, I am the one who ends up messing up in our marriage way more than Jason ever does.
So you can imagine my tears when I read her note thanking me, having gratitude for investing in her life, and how she wants to be just like me. I was so humbled because I knew I didn’t deserve that gesture. I am so faulty in so many areas; how undeserving I am to own the words she speaks.
It’s easy for me to self-condemn, but I know she sees me the way God sees me.
Her sweet little note is like a little whisper from heaven letting me know that He offers encouragement through the eyes of a child to help heal a deep place in my heart of condemnation and shame. And He continues to give me glimpses of His character through these tiny voices He has placed in my life.
It is something I continuously recognize when I’m looking for it.
I praise God for a child’s ability to unknowingly make a path for my broken self. Their hearts are tender and open to where God leads them, and I believe God will use whomever and whatever He chooses to open our eyes to our sin.
I know I love big, am loyal to a fault, and would lay down my life for the people I care about in a heartbeat.
In that same breath, I am committed to being a better version of myself every day when I recognize my failures.
Oh, how I need Christ every single day? Here I messed up, and the day after, I received all of these redemptive gifts and forgiveness through words of grace when I least deserved it.
My kids didn’t know I messed up. You didn’t know how bad I messed up. But God did. And Jason certainly did, too.
God knew I was struggling that day. So, He used the words of a child to heal and used her kindness to humble.
Dear mother, our children have the ability to touch to our hearts like no other. They are forgiving of our shortcomings. They can be a wonderful representation of how much Christ loves us. And when we walk through a humbling, they tend to be a reflection of how much Christ desires to connect with us through relationship.
Our children live with us.
They journey alongside us.
They know us well.
They know we aren’t perfect.
They see all of the good, the bad, and the difficulties we experience together. And yet, they love us still.
Isn’t that what God does with us?
Precious Mothers, we are just a vessel passing through that God uses in our children’s lives… and they are used in ours.
In knowing that, I want Him to show me better ways to love… Better ways to teach… Better ways to invest… Better ways to be more available… Better ways to be an accurate representation of Christ…
and because she desires to be like me when she grows up, my prayer and supplication would be that the Lord helps me reflect a Christ-like love in every way possible so that she may be more of a godly woman than I am today.
Matthew 26:41 says, “Watch and pray, that ye enter not into temptation: the spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak.” and Philippians 4:6-7 says, “Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.“
Lord, I hear your truth. I watch for it everywhere I go and I welcome the humbling, however it may look. I am so undeserving of her words, but I thank you for the little whisper from heaven today.
I desperately needed to feel your love.
Natalie