Conflict- Everyone experiences it, so how do families go about resolving conflicts the way the Bible teaches?
Home is a child’s learning ground.
Each day, mother sets the groundwork that prepares them for adulthood. As we demonstrate with our words and actions, as we train our children on virtuous character traits, mirroring how to resolve matters the way Jesus did, and even having the right response to those who have wronged them (or you) is giving them Godly tools to know how to interact appropriately in any given situation.
When children become adults living in the real world, they need to be able to get along with others. Therefore, life preparation needs to be our daily goal as we teach, instruct, correct, and redirect our children throughout the day.
Conflict resolution, the way Jesus taught us, is not only vital for the harmony of your home, but you are setting your children up for a lifetime of success with the right kinds of hearts towards hard things. We do our part in influencing their soul, we then can leave the rest up to the Lord to work on their conscience as they grow.
Taking care of conflicts within my home makes me pause a bit because I know how much effort goes into tending to heart issues. No one likes having conflict but it is a fact of life that we can not avoid.
Life at home is busy doing one thing to the next without a breath in-between. You are moving from laundry to dishes, to making beds and wiping dirty faces, teaching and training, making supper to changing the tenth diaper, and all the things calling for your immediate attention. I didn’t mention scheduling things like the switching of seasonal clothing in every closet in our home and realizing the needs just got greater as they grow!
It may seem a little strange, but I actually become really motivated in the area of needs for my family. But it can get wearisome at times. I have found that when I am not well rested to juggle and manage all of these responsibilities, dealing with conflict is the last thing I feel like doing, let alone want to make time for.
Sometimes, you feel like burying your head to hide out in the laundry room until your husband gets home to relieve you from an overwhelming day.
Ladies, let’s face it. Intentional mothering takes a lot of mental work and heart changes, especially in our own hearts. This journey will challenge you in ways you have never been challenged before, but I have come to understand that the challenges we face are a necessary part of our journey.
And if you are anything like I was as a young mother, your heart is overcome with the burden of not knowing how to train your children.
You want them to love and not be argumentative towards one another, so you give them the best of yourself. You want them to be selfless, so you do your best to teach them it’s better to give than to receive. You want to do what is right as their mother, but the right thing was never done to you. So how do you teach what you never experienced yourself? That created a lot of fears in the young me.
Being a mother is not easy. It certainly isn’t a place we just settle into so leisurely. And it shouldn’t ever be. God wants us to grow as much as He desires us to teach those same principles to our children that we learn along the way as adults. If motherhood was an easy journey, we possibly would become very comfortable and slothful in our role as women. Being challenged is what causes us grow.
Galatians 6:9 comes to mind when I think of how weary I can become in well doing. But God promises us that we shall reap in due season if we faint not. We need to find those promises in scripture and hold onto those during moments of overwhelm. Remember, it is for a season, and to not give up when life gets hard. Fruit will come from your endurance.
Throughout my decades of parenting, I have continued to seek out wisdom from Godly women who have blazed a trail before me in certain areas of motherhood. (And if you do not have a mother-mentor figure in your life, you need one! Find a Godly woman that knows the scripture like the back of her hand and has a heart for her family.)
A dear mentor, mother-friend of mine brought Matthew 18 to my attention when I brought her the question of sibling conflicts. This chapter directly addresses how we deal with difficult people in our lives, and it revolutionized how I viewed sin within the hearts of man. Therefore, it changed the way I mothered my children.
And so this portion of scripture has become a foundation for all conflicts, in and out of my home. In fact, it is posted on our “Accountability 432” in our school room. If you read closely to what this chapter is teaching you in your life with others, you will be greatly blessed.
So what have I learned from her and what does it look like to practically apply this verse in my mothering journey?
When I see one of my children having a difficulty with another, I stop what we are doing. I sit with them (typically right there on the floor) and I open up my Bible to Matthew 18. I literally point to the chapter, and say, “If you are upset or have anger toward your brother, you go to him first to work it out. You speak kindly to him first and foremost! Your tone matters. Do not expose how evil he is and how wonderful you are. Speak with humility (as Jesus did) and if your brother/sister has ears to hear you, then you have been restored to one another. But if he does not, then you quickly come get mama so I can come help you with this process.”
Sometimes, I will just read the entire section where it talks about sinning against the least of these, and in verse 15 what to do when a brother sins against you. Our prayer as mothers ought to be to see the Word convict that child and for him (or her) to do the right thing by repenting, apologizing, and being restored back to one another.
This chapter deals with so much within the church, and it is specific on how to deal with your response to those that are sinning against you. It is a really beautiful process to watch my children’s hearts soften as I have learned how to shepherd them through using these specific steps laid out.
If one of the children are not receptive to this, it is best to take that particular child from the group and have a little “wisdom walk.”
This is a time to speak into his/her life with scripture directly dealing with unforgiveness, holding resentment towards someone, showing anger, or whatever it is that he/she was not rceptive to earlier.
Again, you are influencing their soul with these wise conversations. Pray that they have ears to hear, and their hearts to be softened.
The teaching and training you give during this one on one time should also reflect that of Christ.
We can’t be a good messenger if we don’t practice these same principles laid out in Matthew 18. You want your child to be open to hearing the wisdom you have to offer, so make sure your conscience is cleared first.
The “wisdom walk” you will be taking with this child should always a gospel-centered conversation. And take in consideration spiritual warfare. If your child is hungry, tired, or sick, it’s time to reexamine the situation and feed the need. This heart problem may resolve quickly if the need is met.
Essentially, “wisdom walks” allow the Holy Spirit to work on the heart of your child and their need for a Savior. What Matthew lays out for us takes care of tale-bearing, our response to unrepented sin against another, and how to deal with unforgiveness in the hearts of man.
This chapter truly has changed the way I mother.
One of the greatest ways to avoid the need for conflict resolution, is to be proactive in knowing your children’s hearts. As busy mothers, we have to seek out opportunities to connect with our children daily.
For me, sometimes that looks like finding a quiet moment with one of them. It may be cuddling up on the couch just to talk, or I make it a point to encourage them in an area of their life when we are folding laundry, or doing dishes together.
There are times when I’m running an errand, I will take one of the children with me and we will connect on a deeper level over ice tea, or something they enjoy. It is about the connection you are having within the relationship, not the treat. Treats are just an added bonus!
The worst thing we can do is be slothful and wait for opportunities to come to us. You will just be inviting the inevitable, only delayed. I am all about time management and I understand it is hard to fit everything in to one day. But I do believe that being proactive is best.
Here are a few practical ways of how I handle some hard conversations:
If I sense that they may be struggling with a particular issue, I will typically ask questions like:
- How is your thought life?
- What is going on in your heart with your sister or brother?
- How can I help you make this right?
- Is there any temptation that you’re facing?
- How can daddy and I pray for you?
- Is there anything secret that you are harboring?
It is so important to me that my children have a safe place to share their worries, their fears, their hurts, their goals, and their accomplishments.
I grew up in such a critical, angry home that was full of judgment and condemnation, I never learned how to communicate with my words. Fear had its way of crippling me for many, many years until I learned that people and relationships were to be valued, not belitted.
We are all going to come across difficult people. Learning how to deal with them Biblically is where we grow.
Now that I am an adult looking at my own children through those lenses, I understand how important it is to not bring harm to them by being critical of their growth. Mothers have the capability to do a lot of damage when they condemn their children of their sin.
Sin is in all of us and it is our job to expose the gravity of the sin, not condemn who they are. It isn’t the gospel message to sentence them to death. We are here to pray that child through their difficulty so that we can help him/her be a bold, confident individual for Christ.
As I mother, I also know that I still am a sinner. I sin less now that I am a believer, but none the less, I am fallen. Knowing this, it is imperative to self-examine my own heart each day and correct anything I have done before moving forward with my family.
I do not want to be a stumbling block in my children’s walk with their Savior. Having first hand experience seeing the hypocrisy in parents when they say, “Do as I say, not as I do” is heartbreaking. I was that child who felt like a failure before I even tried.
Nothing will turn children away more than having expectations of them that you won’t even do yourself. Mothers need a Savior too. 🙂
Another important ingredient in my life is accountability. When I am accountable to my husband and to others, it exposes blind spots that I may not be seeing in myself. The same goes for my children. They are welcome to express to me when I am of an offense.
When we are aware, repent, and are forgiven, we should praise that person that brings those issues to us so we may have restoration. This is truly what gospel-centered parenting means; and doing life with your family using these principles helps resolve conflict with one another a lot quicker.
Ending on a beautiful note, as the keeper of our homes, clearing our conscience with others and with God, we are set free from any trap the enemy has laid before us. This is what it means to have freedom in Christ Jesus. Jason and I have to purpose every single day not to give Satan any opportunity for footholds in our family so not to handcuff anyone in their bondage. Our children need to know we are their biggest cheerleader.
The good news is, is that no one is super-mom, and no one will ever be. We all are trying to do our best with whatever circumstance we are in. We all mess up, but we are on the same team trying to raise our families with the tools we have today.
Be encouraged mother. God gave you these precious babies under your charge for a short time. Keep the goal in perspective when you feel like you cannot do this one more day.
Be diligent. Be vigilant. Keep fighting the good fight. Have faith that He will see you through.
Because why?
A mother is more than just being a life-bearer. She is a vessel for God’s work, a holy, and good work. Never forget how essential you are in the lives of your children.
“Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ.”
Philippians 1:6
Natalie