The Mother Wound
Part 3
Journeying on into the days of healing, I contemplated over the lack of protection my mother gave us from the physical harm my dad was inflicting, to why didn’t my dad protect us when she used her cruelty and withdrawal to punish our family?
The answers to so many questions took years to unpack and some of these are still a work in progress. Some of these answers are more complicated than what I want to write about today, but there is a time to realize that the most difficult of families have a simple root problem, roles. Confusion in family roles are a huge problem in how one another operates in the home, and is the key to restoring relationships within the family.
I have seen my dad be stripped from his rights as the leader of his home. My mother makes no apology for her feminist stance against men. She chooses to be selfish, and chooses self-righteousness and self-importance over her family. My mother was a spoiled child and found it more appealing to impress others with her worldly accomplishments than take a humble stance to serve others. When her boss would praise her for her successes, she would beam, boast about it to us, and become motivated to do more and more. My dad was the very opposite. He wanted her home with us, not drifting away to work for other men. My mother refused to come alongside my dad and be a team in a marriage where they could raise a family together. She focused on making sure she had beautiful clothes, matching shoes, jewelry to accessorize, having her hair and nails done continuously, and not leaving the house unless she had her make-up perfect. She became bitter towards my dad and held resentments against him because of his drunkenness, aside from realizing she was attracted to his party-lifestyle in their youth. Pride and stubbornness on both sides had collided head on and caused a huge mess in our lives.
You will always see problems when the man and woman roles are not functioning properly.
The lie I believed that what we had was “pretty good” only delayed the healing process for me.
Adults who have experienced traumatic childhoods are typically trapped in their thinking. Until we identify and then recover aspects of ourselves that were lost along the way, healing can not take place. And unless you get some real help, and start to heal the way God intended, the emotional immaturity will be evident in your life.
Today, how my brothers respond lines up with the studies showing what happens to adult men after they have childhood wounds from either father or mother. In our case, they did the same thing I was doing, coming to her defense and taking up her cause when she lost out on something.
My brothers and I have had these conversations before. They see the problems. They know it, and they would rather I just put up with my mother than cause her to be upset. They haven’t learned that most, if not all, of her pain is self-inflicted and no one is responsible for her perceived pain. Quite frankly, that is a victim stance, and all narcissists pull that card.
It is a way to manipulate a person into their crazy-making, and I chose not to be pulled into that. Passive people do not live in Truth. I find it so sad when my dad, brother, and I have had these conversations. They simply find it easier to handle my mother by publicly agreeing with her because “there will be hell to pay” if they disagree with her stance.
Not having a voice is debilitating to any kind of healing involved, and my heart breaks for the bondage people find themselves in. Males have a God-given right to be the leaders of their families without feeling like they’ve been emasculated from their role as men.
My husband experienced this from my mother as well and is exactly why we could not stay. For the sake of peace in our life, we chose not to be brain-washed any longer.
I am grateful to be married to someone who has helped with this process. I accurately call him “my built-in counselor.” He has the authority and expertise to diagnose a mental illness (if that is necessary) and then proceed to help the real victims with the healing they so desperately need.
I think Jason is largely why I felt safe enough to go into the stages of grief and then healing as quickly as I possibly could. Sons respond very differently than daughters do to their mother wounds. Our story is my case in point. My healing process started in my 20s and I started to think logically instead of reacting to my parent’s environment. As a result, I became the adult when my parents would act like such children. The repercussions that happen to children that come out of traumatic childhoods will have consequences in how they respond psychologically.
As a child, you’re supposed to be the one receiving the parenting. We did not find the safety in those relationships because appropriate parenting did not exist. Parenting with an iron fist from my dad’s perspective, my mother using her impression management skills when she needed to, or giving us drugs that caused us to sleep a lot and suppressed our appetite was a very convenient and selfish way of child-rearing for both of them.
I remember starting to be responsible for doing my own laundry around 10 or 11 years old, often without detergent. I would typically use dish soap instead. And making sure that my brothers and I had to share a one-tub-of-water bath because the electricity just got shut off, again. Those things will instill a lot of fear in children that have no control over their environment. It was an often occurrence that proper food and resources were not available. They always handed off that responsibility to my grandparents and I thank God for them.
When children are forced into making adult decisions at too young of an age, or when they are expected to make decisions that go beyond their societal expectations of decision-making capabilities, it is called parentification. Parentification sends the child into survival mode. The traumatic effects of this huge amount of responsibility at a young age have long lasting effects. The adult child responds to the normal stressors of life (e.g. bills, sickness, conflicts, unmet expectations, etc.) with a heightened sense of anxiety and fear. To the parentified adult child, these life events become triggers of an unpredictable and traumatic childhood experience. This is why it is so crucial to catch this quickly and get someone to help you walk through the healing process.
This is a journey you can’t afford to face alone, especially if you are raising your own children. You have to be the one that breaks the cycle. It does not matter if your extended family members are uncomfortable with you being the whistle blower and the one that tells, because it isn’t about them. Right now, it is about the healing that needs to take place.
Typically, in dysfunctional families, the one who gets blasted for whistle blowing is the one who has the strength to leave it. You can not be a vessel for greater purposes if you are carrying around a bunch of baggage you weren’t meant to carry. Allow God to help you through those fears of unknown territory. Know He has you right in the palm of His hand.
Steps of separation: Sometimes healing takes place little by little, inch by inch. And that’s okay. I was learning to be an individual person separate from my mother, with permission! I needed to find a way to think for myself and make decisions on my own. Narcissist do not see their victims as individuals and they have an insatiable desire to control these aspects.
I felt a great amount of separation anxiety when I decided to make even the smallest of decisions without notifying her first. I worried what she would do when she found out I had not consulted her beforehand. Even as an adult, my mother would make me feel guilty and often give me the silent treatment if I did fun things with my own children, or made plans to invite a friend over to my home for dinner aside from her. She wanted to always be the one at the center making sure everyone knew she planned things out, paid for the trip, paid for the food, and then maybe you would catch a small glimpse of her actually smiling if she got her way.
It wasn’t until she exhausted me of her constant driving before I realized that I wasn’t responsible for how she felt about what she did or did not experience in this lifetime. I am not responsible for what happens if she does not get her wishes or demands either because my family was not for the taking. I had to work through the shame and guilt she heavily laid on when I stopped conforming to that nonsense. I had to keep telling myself I was not responsible for her attitude and cruelty. I had to make a choice that her bitterness was no longer going to poison me, but only to cause me to respond better each and every time. I quit coming to her rescue when she pouted. And I memorized scripture like nobody’s business.
I slowly began to stand in the freedom I had from her manipulative tactics and the push-pull, passive-aggressive attitude. It was enough of a yo-yo relationship that I finally saw it for what it truly was. It took some specific circumstances for other’s ears and eyes to witness this repetitive behavior, and it became a turning point in my life. I thank God for that support system because if it weren’t for them, I may have been stuck in a sickness that I did not want repeated in my own children’s families.
These relationships have been imperative on this road to healing. These people were no rookies to the antics of my mother and because they either were a witness to some of these things or they had been her victim at one point or another, they encouraged me with two thumbs up.
These individuals not only knew the real me, but the real her. They had no biased opinions, just the truth of what they too had experienced with her.
I realized the kind of behavior that destroys relationships, embellishes stories, and is in the business of taking down anyone who comes against her authority she stakes claim on, was unacceptable anymore. I needed to be a whole, healed person, and no one has the right to have power and control over someone else to the point that they have no voice. It’s oppressive and dehumanizing.
Though I was consistent in my boundary setting, my mother continued being my emotional gatekeeper. It was imperative that I placed myself in a healthy atmosphere, with safe people who were supportive, having them to be accountable to daily, being able to walk through the deep pain, grief, sadness, and memories of my abuse and neglect without my mother being critical of how I was supposed to feel about any of it.
There was a great sadness in my heart realizing that my mother was choosing to never be the mother that cares about me or my growing family, nor encourage us along our journey as a young family. I tried to have meaningful conversations like normal mother/daughter relationships would experience, but she refuses to be vulnerable with anyone. She would typically leave the room right in the middle of having a casual conversation, and would end it awkwardly as she moved on to a new craft project or whatever else was going on in her life at the time. Everything would revolve around her or her preferences, or it led to how exhausted she was from her comings and goings.
Every day I swallowed it. She was choosing to not have a relationship with me. Her selfishness was evident. My emotions were constantly being played with and I struggled to know what to do. Her withdrawal and lack of empathy was painful. Not only did her continued inflictions affect my spirit, and it was a constant reiteration that I could not raise a family around that kind of toxicity. It was wounding, and I could not wrap my head around why a mother would inflict that much pain on her only daughter.
Anyone who tries to stop the negative cycles of abuse in their dysfunctional family will be met with resistance and condemnation. I was born in a family where there were (are) serious addictions and personality disorders. It is a family where discord and dissension are fostered and celebrated. We were never shown how to have the tools or coping skills to successfully navigate not only adulthood, but childhood as well. We had no voice, no advocate, no measuring stick for how adults in our lives should be treating us; and yet stepping away from all of that to set boundaries on that dysfunction increased the attacks on my character and person-hood. Oftentimes the victims of a dysfunctional family become the target once the truth is out. The phrase “blaming the victim” becomes a common defense in order for the dysfunctional family to maintain the lie and “keep up appearances.” They hold onto the last vestiges of the power and control they once choreographed.
Remember setting boundaries will be met with fierce resistance, and again, you cannot choose for someone else how they need to heal. You simply need to love them with no strings attached.
As my mother has made this dividing line in our family, I have had to grieve the loss of my extended family relationships due to the take down of Natalie. I have had to conclude she will never admit the discord she has created with the lies she continues to spread. My brothers believe things that I have either supposedly said or done based only on the word of my mother. Extended family members also are victims and have heard the same lies. Bottom line, anyone that is caught up in my mother’s vortex will surely not see it. They are too busy being her flying monkeys. Narcissist are very good at not getting caught in their story telling, their brewing drama, separating relationships, their need for control, and I could go on and on. Anyone dealing with a narcissist understands what I am speaking about.
My mother has been warming her hands over the fire she has created… creating narratives for many years my extended family would eventually fall for. All Jason and I asked from her was some space to regroup. That was all it took for her to create more dissension, gaslight, slander, and you name it, she used it. Only this time, it wasn’t just me she was doing it to. Jason’s name (and his parents) were pulled into her story-making as well. It was hurtful and she got ugly. Jason and I decided it was best to become quiet to the point that we just let her go and do what she does best, embellish and stir up drama. There was nothing we could do about her mouth, and all I could do was move forward, look at the opportunities that it presented my husband and children, focused on being grateful for the good things in my life, and do a lot of healing in those first few years. I would do it all over again if it meant I was going to come out a healthy woman that just simply wanted some peace for her family.
From time to time, I do have sadness that my extended family members believe things that they have never fully investigated. I am grateful that I have chosen to not play games of slander and deceit. And the relationships she has ruined, those are not on me. They are the responsibility of the others that gossiped, judged without all the facts, and took up my mother’s cause of creating disharmony.
There are numerous reasons why I can not ignore the harm that my mother’s selfishness caused me and my family. It would be foolish to. Someone had to be strong enough to stand alone and break the sick cycles of dysfunctional family dynamics and that someone ended up being me. The ungodly environment that my mother wanted to project onto my children was not asked, she forced it. It was not respected, it was controlled. She is a drain, not a fountain. She wasn’t going to take no for an answer, and sought out revenge… and she has made good on her threats towards my family. Knowing the need to break free was necessary and creating boundaries with her was undeniably evident. She wasn’t allowing me to be an adult, a wife, a mother, and I was insignificant to her as a human being. Her agenda ruled. She really left me with no choice but to say no more chaos and walk away
…and then she just circled up her posse.
I had to allow her to be the broken person that she is. I needed to heal, be grateful that I would no longer be subject to her emotional abuse, and the tyrant she had become to me and my children. I chose not to allow her to use me to feed her narcissism. I no longer wanted to be available to sacrifice myself for her just to make her happy. Her happiness is based on the feeling in the moment and I was never guaranteed that me being self-sacrificing would be good enough. She always wanted more until I had no more to give.
These are all common themes to dealing with a narcissist. Remembering that daughters heal differently than sons do has helped me move on without guilt. Because the sons are male, they naturally want the approval of their father and look to them as their guide on how to be men. In the same way, daughters look to their mothers to help guide them into womanhood. If the daughter is neglected and not nurtured then attachment trauma is going to be very difficult to heal from. I want all daughters of attachment trauma to know it is possible to hurdle those hurts. If you are reading this, you are already a survivor and are an overcomer.
The Truth is what always sets us free.
People from your past will not understand because they more than likely have a healthy attachment to their mother. They will scratch their head and be confused why you “left” the chaos. But because they were not raised in your home they will never fully understand what happens to a little girl who is ignored and unloved by the God-appointed female in her life who has the responsibility of helping that daughter become a woman someday. And it’s okay that they don’t understand. It’s not your job to explain it to them. Forgive those people for being in your business. They too are caught up in a vortex and drinking the poison that has been sat in front of them. Be grateful it is not you that continues to drink it, and pray for those who gossip and persecute you. These are some of the hardest things to do, but it is what Jesus says of us. You keep His commands and do what is right by honoring Him, you will have rest and peace. I can stand on that promise!
2 Corinthians 10:4-6 says, “For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strong holds; Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ; And having in a readiness to revenge all disobedience, when your obedience is fulfilled.”
It isn’t pretty to relive the pain, it isn’t easy to heal from, and it isn’t a walk in the park to be the one who chooses to break away from any threat that comes against you and your family. I will reiterate this again. You can heal. It takes time, effort, and perseverance, and I am proud of you for coming this far on your journey. So journey on my friend… journey on.
Natalie
UPDATE!
There has been a large number of those whom have responded to this post. I hear your need for help, validation, and your confusion in how to move forward. Remember, as Natalie has stated before, no one gets to choose for you how you heal. I truly believe that God allows evil people to have “power” to reveal evil people’s narcissistic, self-seeking heart. The enemy is not interested in the truth. He is only interested in proclaiming his version of it.
I am pasting 3 links below that you will find very beneficial in this particular area of your life. The first 2 links are specific sermons that are part of a 10 message series by Pastor Erwin Lutzer of Moody Church titled The Power of a Clear Conscience. He talks specifically about narcissism. I encourage you to listen to the entire series.
The 3rd link is a sermon which is equally good. He identifies specific controlling people and how David has a biblical response to King Saul’s narcissism. I am also pasting a link to an article I wrote that may be of help to you. It’s titled A Wolf In Sheep’s Clothing.
Please let Natalie and I know if we can help you in any other way. I understand this is a very wounding thing for children to experience with their mothers. God is with you and you can do this. I have personally seen the evidence of what it looks like to come out on the other side whole and healed. God bless you.
Becoming That Impossible Person
As for “Snares Of The Enemy” by Erwin Lutzer, you can skip straight to minute 20 because this later part of the sermon deals directly with personality disorders, controlling people, and narcissism and how to biblical deal with these people. The first 20 minutes has a testimony from a man whom lost his children to a tragic accident, and a little about Billy Graham.
Jason