When It Becomes More Than Building

It reminds me of running in the creek bed while grandpa worked in the heat right next to us.  Dust would be flying everywhere and the sound of the tracks, moving back and forth, smoothing out the pond bank, these are all etched in my memory. You could always count on grandma bringing ham sandwiches to any job site.  We would climb up in the dozer, sink into that big black chair, and eat our sandwiches and drink sweet tea.  We would walk along the muddy tracks as the guys would sit and take a break to eat.  We would be so filthy by nightfall.  

A lot of my childhood is connected to the outdoors.  This is probably why you can find me on any given day doing something outside.  I may be in the garden, hanging laundry, or climbing mountains with my kids.

So, the morning that we were scheduled to dig the pond on our farm, I heard our friend pull up in his truck.  I had just finished cleaning up breakfast.  I wanted to see the start of this project because I was really excited to get started.  So, I put on my boots and headed over the hill.  A few of the kids ran ahead of me to see the excitement.  As soon as I got over the hill, I saw the first tree go down.  Something stopped me.  I felt this huge lump in my throat.  I asked myself what in the world is going on because I had so many flooding thoughts.  On one hand, I knew I was completely overwhelmed with excitement because this was a huge answer to prayer.  And on the other hand, as I watched the dozer, I immediately thought of how my grandfather had died in that tragic way.  For just a split second I could see him sitting in that black cushioned seat.  It all started to make me very sad.  Sad for him.  Sad that he wasn’t here.  And sad that he couldn’t be a part of this.  I had always assumed that one day either he or my dad would be digging the pond for us. But that is not the case.

It was really interesting because I was fine when we walked the land.  We agreed on a price.  We agreed where the pond should be located because we had several places that we could have built it.  I watched him unload the dozer off the lowboy.  It was all very exciting.  So, I did not expect to have any emotion aside from anticipation.  I was completely caught off guard as I was overcome by different thoughts in my head, and confusing enough, the emotions I was trying to contain were both of sadness, and of joy.

It was at this point when I realized that this experience became personal to me.  I must be wired to own every emotion attached to a memory.  I just feel deeply about things that truly matter.  I do think it’s wise to stop and be open to the lesson that we are supposed to be learning, rather than push emotion away.

Of course, I’m still standing at the top of the hill trying to unpack my thoughts and what all of it meant in my head versus my heart.  And I’m staring at this dozer, pushing trees over and creating this crater in the Earth, thinking grandpa is here.  Jason is looking at me from the bottom of the hill, motioning me to come down.  And I’m still standing there, just staring trying to process all of this change happening before me.  Yet I realize in that same moment that some things don’t change very much at all.

I was excited for this change.  I prayed for this to happen.  It kept bringing me back to a concept that I always seem to be experiencing in my life, and that is good and bad right on parallel tracks and they both arrive about the same time.

As I’m watching what felt like in slow motion, I could tell my thoughts were trying to work itself out as I was juggling missing what was familiar to me at the same time what my reality is today with my own children.  There were just so many metaphors attached to so many memories.

I really believe there is a time where it is acceptable to cry tears of sorrow and sadness because of the things we may miss, or what is familiar to us.  In that same breath, I believe it is appropriate to cry tears of joy because there are so many things to be thankful for in this life.

When we reflect on broken relationships, and what they mean, reflecting on what we have learned through that process, being self-aware of disappointment or sadness, it’s really helpful to walk ourselves through how to come out with a positive perspective rather than harboring any resentments.

I think it’s perfectly human to go through a gambit of thoughts and emotions, but as long as we deeply feel all of those memories and know that it teaches us something about life, and about ourselves, this helps us grow into the people who can give love without any strings attached.  And because I’ve experienced this a lot in my life, I really believe we can embrace the sorrow and joy to run hand in hand together.

So, if I sit back and view all of this like it is a story that God isn’t finished writing yet, it is truly the way that I want to live my life because I want to embrace whatever life hands me.  

It is a reality that we will not control the ups and downs that come. Therefore, we don’t have to justify our human tendency to be sad about a difficult relationship or a memory that represents a hard truth. I think it’s better to embrace the good, throw out the bad, and be grateful for the lessons learned.